Reggie Bastard Out And About
To implement Management's plan for making Astonished Head into the world's premier provider of things, we've come up with some staggeringly original never-been-done-before ideas that are really stupendously smashing and great.
For starters, we equipped our company Secretary Reginald Bastard with a microphone, a camera, a box of sandwiches, and a small-caliber pistol and sent him out to talk to the Viewing Public.
This week's Man On The Street question: what's your compulsion?
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Walter Taylor, Retired
"Masturbation. I can't stop myself...watching the television, driving the car, feeding the cat, bingo at the church...if I wasn't on medication, it would be very embarrassing."
Dan Haggler, Beer Mechanic
"I kill strangers who ask me questions. Do I know you? I don't think I know you."
William Algernon Taffy-Machine, Mattress Tester
"I am compelled to keep a rodent in my pants at all times. At the moment, it is a Eurasian red squirrel, but later this evening I am going to the pub, and so will switch to a Djungarian dwarf hamster, as they are easier to manage whilst visiting the urinal."
Edith Winkle, Masseuse
"I would have to say...violence. I'm always breaking people's teeth with conveniently-placed objects, like this brick."
John Smith, Meat-on-a-stick Vendor
"Compulsion? I have no compulsions whatsoever. None. In fact, If I were to rate my compulsiveness on a scale of one to 520, I would first wash my hands, then head down to the corner store for a pint of milk and a pint of cream, then over to the laundry for a packet of soap, then back to my apartment, where I would write the numbers one to 520 on the wall with a periwinkle crayon, and then stand on my head while reciting selected passages from Chilton's Guide to Small Engine Repair."
David H. Byars, Portrait
"I'm a painting. Stop talking to me."
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And there you have it. Next week, our man Reggie Bastard will hit the streets with a jar of pickled herring in sour cream and a bayonet to ask the Viewing Public about gardening.
