Meanwhile, at the offices of Astonished Head's Department of Ancient Languages...
"These are the words of Bostwick, the Arzawa man,
a big-nippled servant of god
who travelled to the sands of Assyria with my feet unshod,
who was covered with the glory of god's presence
and illuminated by the--"
Excuse me, but I don't think you've got that quite right.
Beg pardon?
I'm not entirely sure that "Bostwick" was a name common to Anatolia during the second millenium before Christ.
Well, it's Hittite you know.
Seeing as how the tablet you're working on was dug up near Bogazkoy and dates from 1700 BC, that would follow, wouldn't it? Still doesn't explain "Bostwick," though.
Look: Arnilis, Zuliyas, Uhha-muwas...Bostwick. Perfectly normal Hittite name. He was in charge of keeping the temple roofs from leaking, apparently.
And what's this? "Big-nippled?" Since when do the authors of Hittite incantations refer to themselves as "big-nippled?"
Hittite men were known for their large areolas.
That's as may be, but it's all about the text, isn't it? What Hittite words are you translating as "big-nippled?"
Friedrich translated the "Ritual Against Overwhelming Male Nipplage" in 1926.
What?
And Güterbock published three of the eight sections of "Purification Ritual Engaging the Help of Protective Male Demons with Unusually Perky Nipples" in 1947.
Look, I don't care if Friedrich and Güterbock translated "The Song of Ullikummis' Tremendous Man-Tits" and set it to the tune of Rock Me Like A Hurricane, it's still a matter of accuracy. Let me see that tablet!
No. It's my tablet. You can't have it.
Your tablet? It was donated by the estate of Liberace!
No it wasn't. I found it on a bus.
Look--it's got a label saying so on the back! Here, hang on a minute...what's this?
What's what?
When I gave this tablet to you for translation, it did not have a giant florid "L" on its back made of rhinestones pressed into the clay.
Hittites were very fond of sparkly things.
You made this tablet, didn't you?
And men with big nipples. They loved that sort of thing.
Look, I'm director of this Department, and it's my responsibility to insure the academic excellence of our work here, not to mention keep track of exceedingly rare cuneiform tablets, which we're lucky to get at all, considering that we're only a website.
Very trendy people, the Hittites. Good dancers.
What have you done with the original tablet?
I dated a Hittite once.
Alright, that's it! Enough of this nonsense. This post is too ridiculous and it's quite obvious that no punchline will be forthcoming. That's it! Everyone out. We'll try again tomorrow.
Do you think Liberace was a Hittite?
Shut up!
Liberace: Secret Hittite?
Why do I even bother? I was offered a post at Tübingen...
