So, I thought I'd have a bit of fun and see what my addled head could come up with based on just the synopses of NYT online's stories. I will neither read nor comment on the articles themselves, because that would interfere with the thickness of my Big Dumb Fun.
And we can't have that.
U.S. Agrees to Suspend Fighting in Najaf After Deal With Cleric By DEXTER FILKINS 2:57 PM ET The developments represent a breakthrough in the unrelenting and bloody standoff as the American-led governing authority prepares to hand over sovereignty.
That's right, Dexter. It was unrelenting because our troops didn't leave, and bloody because they killed lots and lots of insurgents, sometimes more than once. However, we shouldn't let the fact that we kicked the ass of the Mahdi "Army" thoroughly and with with skill interfere with the standard narrative, which is that Things Are Going Very Badly Indeed.
Kerry Outlines Plan for Foreign Policy Based on Cooperation By MARIA NEWMAN 4:07 PM ET John Kerry criticized President Bush's Iraq policy and said Americans wanted a nation that "is respected and not just feared."
This might be some of that Kerryan nuance I've heard so much about. I wonder: does Kerry think I want a nation that is respected and feared? Or just respected? Let's see...this whole mess started because OBL convinced certain Muslims that America was a) weak, and b) cowardly. And, of course, they'll never respect us because we have liquor and strip clubs and women who show their bazoombas on Spring Break and then sell videos about the bouncing and the wet t-shirts and the hey hey hey I'm horny. I don't think the long Senator from Massachusetts will try to put a stop to that, so...unless! He must be talking about--wait for it--the respect of our allies! That's real chin-based genius, that is. Feared by our enemies, respected by our friends. But, wait...if our friends don't respect us...are they our friends?
I'm so confused. It might help if I read the article, but there's just no time! Onward to
Britain Arrests Radical Cleric Who Faces U.S. Terror Charges By ALAN COWELL 2:12 PM ET The U.S. requested Abu Hamza al-Masri's extradition for trying to set up a terrorist camp in Oregon and aiding Al Qaeda.
Well, lookee here. Maybe that's what friends do.
Finally,
Michael Moore Explodes in Paris Cafe By Q. DON RAMIREZ 2:19 PM ET Filmmaker Michael Moore, flushed with the success of his new film "Fahrenheit 911" at the Cannes film festival, blew apart yesterday morning after eating a basket of croissants. Horrified witnesses reported that his body was full of tiny Al Gores, which fled squealing into a nearby sewer grate.
Oh, the humanity.
Really, I've got nothing today--except a spiffy new suit. My burgeoning waistline has put me in that awkward category that is not quite Big, certainly not Tall, but not fashionably normal, so obtaining a monkey suit that fit properly was an epic task that required trips to a dozen stores and cost the lives of nearly half my squad of dwarf assassins. But it has been accomplished, so now I can impress the Swiss with my Anglo pinstriped and paisley-tied Calvin Kleiny goodness. It's a tonal affair: all blues. Blue shirt, multiply blue tie, navy blue summerweight wool with subtle dark striping, cufflinks with blue gems derived from petroleum.
It's all over but the shoes, which will be obtained tomorrow. The new Samsonite wheeled Bag O'Doom is downstairs, waiting to be filled with the suit and other body coverings. All I'm missing is my handy collapsible wireless IR keyboard, which will arrive via exhausted carrier pigeon tomorrow, and my US-to-Swiss plug adapter.
That last one is sort of important...no charging up the PDA without it. If it doesn't arrive tomorrow, I'm out of luck--Monday is Memorial Day, which means no mail, and I'll be reduced to rewiring the sockets in my hotel room using my travel sewing kit and a nail clipper.
That'll be OK, though...as I understand it, the Swiss like it when you do your own electrical work.
More on that later. The second train of the evening just rumbled by, tooting its mournful horn: wommm...wom...large tanks of chlorine are atmospherically moving through the evening...womm. We like the trains, actually. They don't barrel through town, they pass through, which is a difference that anyone who lives near an elevated subway track or commuter rail line will appreciate.
And that's the way it is. One more day of work stateside, then a weekend holiday which never really seems like a holiday, then a week of work in Europe.
How very odd.
Watch out!
