I recently decided I'd try the whole Oddly-colored Secret Concoction in the morning thing, made from various powders and juices and supplements blended together into an unpleasantly green slurry to which, at the spry age of 97, I would attribute my great longevity, fabulous health, and sexual athleticism. I decided to start with a mixture of orange juice, Reishi tea, some powdered greens, and the powdered vitamins distributed by the good folks at Swanson. I even bought an Oster hand mixer, just for this purpose. Eventually, I would add things like olive oil and maybe some avocado, so that my breakfast glop would be a supercharged mixture of cancer-killing, anti-aging superfoods and wonderfats that would eventually cause my hairline to proceed and my genitalia to resemble those of a race horse. A really good-looking race horse.
I started this regimen four days ago, and was immediately assaulted by the most eye-spattering nasal allergy symptoms: fully-stopped nose, watery glazzies, sneezing, sensitivity to bright light, the whole mucosal works. I guessed that it was the powdered greens--they've got all sorts of grasses and bee pollen in them, so it was a natural assumption to make. This morning, I left the greens out of my mysterious concoction. But once again, I found myself driving to work half-blinded by eye-fountains and sneezes in the face of the cruel highway sun.
"The sort of symptoms I get if I eat... cheese," he said, glancing sidelong at the can of powdered vitamins sitting on the shelf. It whistled tunelessly, and pretended to be interested in the peeling paint on the kitchen ceiling.
Tonight, I identified the culprit. Swanson uses calcium caseinate as a base for their powdered vitamins. Anything with "casein" in it has something to do with dairy, and a quick Google search confirmed my suspicions. It's a processed milk protein:
Calcium caseinate is used as a nutrient supplement. It is used in creamed cottage cheese, powdered diet supplements, nutritional beverages, processed cheese, and frozen desserts because it has a milky appearance and smooth feel in the mouth.
Which is just wonderful for me, because I now have a red-eyed appearance and a bloody feel in my mouth.
I had no idea that I had to beware of concentrated, sinus-exploding, downright evil milk protein in my powdered vitamins.
Naturally, I bought two cans of the stuff. I've got an unopened can and a can less four scoops that I just can't use. I suppose I could use it, but it would be unpleasant and not at all healthy, and I might crash the car. So, really, this is a matter of public safety.
I wrote to the good folks at Swanson--from whom I've bought crates of various pills, potions, and powders over the past couple of years--and told them my sad story. There are alternatives that don't use caseinate as a base, and although they're more expensive, at least I won't feel like I snorted an eight-ball of powdered milk during an all-night disco dairy binge at Studio Udder. I'll see what they do for me. It's what I call a consumer moment. Sure they're great, as long as everything's going swimmingly... but what happens when the caseinate hits the sinuses?
Apparently, there was some kind of Bush speech-thingy this evening, but I was just too clogged up with putrid histamines to watch. I understand that there were purple fingers involved.
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UPDATE:
Not only will Swanson accept both cans for a full refund, they included a postage paid return label with my order, so it won't cost me a dime. The Consumer, he is satisfied. I can thus recommend Swanson Vitamins for all your immortality needs.
