Dawning of the Heart
One of the more subtle aspects of a really good, full-on depression and anxiety festival is the degree of self-involvement that accompanies it. I say “subtle” because I have found that this involvement is a characteristic of the state that underlies all of its more overwhelming sensations and emotions, and this became apparent only when I was actually starting to climb back out of the hole. While I’m in it, everything around me becomes agonizingly focused through the lens of myself, as my mind and body conspire to produce wonderful bursts of panic and despair. When I began to claw my way upwards, I realized that the only way to do so was to pay even more attention to myself, because no matter what externalities may have triggered my state, the only things I can truly be responsible for are my own reactions and my own being. This difference is mainly one of awareness: in the hole, a high degree of self-involvement can remain hidden; on the way out of it, conscious attention must be paid to the self in order to direct the healing process.
I have a friend who, like me, has had a banner year, and life, it seems, just keeps piling more onto her. Like me, she is subject to depression and anxiety. I’ve known this about her since we met several months ago. And yet: not until this morning was I able to peer out from the depths of my own self, and realize the extent to which her own experience, right now, must be as harrowing and all-consuming as my own has been. The sudden empathy that I felt for her made my heart ache. This was not mere sympathy, which is somewhat shallow, based on a detached awareness of another’s pain. No…this was, for lack of a better term, a revelation. The removal of my self from consideration when regarding another allowed full apprehension of her turmoil and her grief, better comprehension of who she is as an individual, and, finally, some understanding of her hitherto inexplicable actions.
I don’t think I have experienced anything like it in my entire life, and I know that it is something to which I must hold fast.
For that, I am thankful today.
For the people in my life, past and present, I am thankful.
For my full heart, I am thankful.
For my tears, I am thankful.
For my laughter, I am thankful.
For my pain, and for my joy, I am thankful.
