June 09, 2007

After a long period of poor quarterly results, smashing parties where not-at-all-discreet things were done atop the photocopier, and a rousing investigation by the SEC, we here at Astonished Head are moving boldly forward with a fabulous New Plan for realizing bullet point two of our Mission Statement, namely:

• Create a publication that is mostly entertaining except for the times when it isn't.

In fulfillment of our obligations as handed down by the federal courts, we gave Company Secretary Reginald Bastard a selection of marital aids, a bottle of port, two budgies and a whack upside the head and sent him out to talk to the mighty Viewing Public.

This year's Man On The Street question: Hasn't this gone on long enough?

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Alfred "Giggles" Molinari, Segway Dealer

"Depends on what you mean. Have I had an orgasm? No? Then the answer is no. If, on the other hand, you're asking about the pasta, it'll just be another minute or two."

Ken Hatrack, Systems Administrator

"It done already gone on too long before it started."

Captain Buford T. Rousler, Crab Fisherman/Sommelier

"Can't a man enjoy his smooth and creamy Orange Julius in peace?"

Edna May Cricket, Football Hooligan

"Too long is never long enough, and I'm sure that I've had much more of it than you have, so I would know."

Winston Throckingsgate, Tobacconist

"You gonna sell any of those dildos? Or are they mostly for show?"

Homer Simpson, Important Cartoon Man

"This has gone on just long enough!"

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And there you have it. Next year, our man Reggie Bastard will be skydiving over Maldives wearing nothing but a supermodel and a smile as part of a documentary about puffer fish and Japanese impotence.